


The Tale of The Two Squid Transporter

by cxptained



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Crack, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Post-Episode: s01e07 Greeks Bearing Gifts, Season/Series 02, Sleepovers, Time Agency, Two Squid Transporter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxptained/pseuds/cxptained
Summary: “Once upon a time,” Jack begins as though telling a fairy tale. Owen audibly groans in the background. “There was a squid.”Jack pauses for dramatic effect, letting the beginning of his tale wash over his captive (and captured by some right) audience.“Is this...?” Gwen murmurs, “A true story?”“Ianto?” Jack probes. “What do you think?”“Unfortunately, it may be.” Ianto says, his voice muffled slightly by his placement against Jack’s chest.-----------Have you ever wanted to know why Jack seemed so angry about the possibility of a Two Squid Transporter in Greeks Bearing Gifts? Well the Hub has accidentally gone into 24 hour lockdown and Jack's about to tell a bedtime story: The Tale of The Two Squid Transporter.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones
Comments: 11
Kudos: 97





	The Tale of The Two Squid Transporter

**Author's Note:**

> This, is officially the dumbest thing I've ever written. Blame the discord server "Bloody Torchwood" for the absolute crack that this fic is. No, it wasn't BETA'd, no it's not something to be taken seriously. But hopefully it at least gives you a giggle. Also somehow it's 3000 words and I don't know how that happened either.

“Has anyone thought about what happens when we run out of cells?” Gwen asks, her voice crackling through their earpieces. It’s not an urgent question, one simply out of thought and wondering as she goes about a job almost monotonous - if anything ever could be monotonous - when it comes to daily life at Torchwood. Feeding the Weevils their last meal of the day.

“ _If_ , we run out of cells, Gwen.” Ianto corrects, though he doesn’t actually answer the question. His voice sounds distant, like he’s focusing a little too hard on a screen in front of him to really acknowledge the question any further than its mistake.

“Alright, _if_ we run out of cells then.” Gwen says. The roll of her eyes is almost audible as she steps out of one unit and into another.

“Build more?” Tosh proposes.

“Where exactly?” Owen says. There’s a pause as she thinks it through.

“Down?” She suggests.

“So, we just build layers upon layers of Weevil cells all the way down to the Earth’s core?” Owen says sarcastically, stopping any motion of work to chastise her.

“Alright.” Tosh combats and her own sarcasm flares into her tone. “What do you suggest Owen?”

“I dunno. We could make an island?”  
  
“Weevil Island?” Jack’s voice now joins the fray. “Isn’t that a little…”

“Weevil-ly?” Ianto offers when Jack struggles to pick a word.

“I was going for barbaric but that works too.” Jack agrees, stifling a laugh that Ianto most certainly picks up on even if the others don’t. The Welshman’s lips twitch into a smile as he continues updating their database.

Gwen throws down another hunk of meet into the third cell before moving along to the house favourite of the Weevils.

Janet.

Janet has lived quite the luxurious life for a Weevil in captivity, Gwen thinks. She gets the best cuts of meat after Myfanwy has her pick, a regular warm hosing down when she gets a little smelly and probably the most time out of her cell since Jack enjoys using her as an interrogation technique.

If Gwen had to be a Weevil, she would definitely pick Janet.

“Orders up.” She mutters beneath her breath as the cell door slides open. She twists behind her to grab the remaining, and largest, hunk of nondescript meat from the barrow. In the split second that her back is turned something pushes against her hip with a force she doesn’t quite expect. Gwen’s body is moved to the side and she puts out her arms to break the inevitable fall.

“I’m just saying, if we gathered all the Weevils and…" Owen’s still nattering away in her ear, however Gwen is no longer listening to a word he says. As she hits the ground as expected, she turns to see the damage. Janet stands free of her cell and inches her way closer to Gwen curiously.

Janet the Weevil may be the house favourite of them all, but Janet the Weevil doesn’t hold Torchwood Three to quite the same high regard. This is a creature that won’t think twice before ripping Gwen limb from limb if she desired to do so. However, she doesn’t seem to be in attack mode quite yet, Gwen realises. 

Incredibly slowly, the woman reaches back towards her pocket for a can of Weevil repellent that Owen had been working on recently. It was proven to make them easy to handle – a sort of drowsy effect if nothing else. Only her hand comes away bare.

“Of, bloody, course.” Gwen mutters to herself. Her slow movements haven’t angered Janet, who seems to be content enough to simply sniff at the toe of her shoe at that precise moment. So, inch by inch, Gwen begins to move backwards towards the door to the Main Hub.

It’s an agonisingly slow journey and one that, quite honestly, she’s scared to even breathe during. Janet takes her time, following the woman with intrigue as she makes her way to the exit.

“Guys…” Gwen hisses into her earpiece when she’s almost three quarters of the way there. Her voice causes Janet’s attention to pique a little further, her head shooting up for their eyes to lock. Gwen swallows hard, not liking this new development one bit. “ _Guys…_ ” She tries again between her teeth but with much more urgency. Green eyes are blown wide.

“Gwen?” Owen finally answers, a little confused. “You okay?”  
  
“Janet… got out…” Gwen carries on her little charade of hissing and whispering as though moving her lips would somehow be the final straw that sent their Weevil into a fit of rage.

“Out?” Owen questions, “Out of where?”

“Out of her _cell_.” Gwen shout-whispers manically. “And I don’t have any of that Weevil spray either.”

It’s at this point that the rest of the team seem to remember quite how dangerous a Weevil can be. The noise of chairs scraping back along the metal flooring echoes around the Hub, footsteps running over the long gangways comes next.

“Alright Gwen, stay calm.” Jack says in an assuring tone. Gwen continues to inch her way to the door as slowly as possible.

“I _am_ calm.” She declares indignantly. “I’m moving… to the door… when it’s safe I’m going to run out…” Gwen explains to her team. “One of you put the cells entrance into lockdown... and trap Janet in there.”

“Oh, it’s Janet?” Jack asks in an unfittingly light-hearted tone, as though he momentarily forgot about the mortality of the situation.

“Yes, it’s Janet! What does that bloody matter?” Gwen snaps, though she regrets it instantly as Janet gives a surprised grunt.

“Nothing, it’s doesn’t matter at all, Gwen. We’ve got you, okay?” Ianto reassures, giving their captain an unimpressed side eye from across the Hub.

“Okay.” Gwen says, until her palms finds the joining of the cells to the main Hub. “I’m in the door way.” She explains. “Ready?”

“Ready.” Tosh confirms, her fingers hovering over the lockdown command in waiting. Gwen swallows down her nerves.

“Three… two…. One… GO!” Gwen shouts before she performs something of an awkward backwards roll out of the way of their automatic locking mechanism and into their work space behind her. She hears the door crash shut and the deadlock apply but when she looks up, Janet remains, leering over her and ready to pounce.

A scream falls from Gwen’s lips as the Weevil lunges towards her, only to be caught swiftly at the shoulders by Jack and Ianto. They wrestle with the creature in their grasp, Janet certainly angry now if she hadn’t been already when a door almost came down upon her skull two moments ago.

Jack and Ianto each dodge the gnashing teeth of the monster they, for some reason, like to keep as a pet. And Gwen, who’s suddenly quite glad she’s not on the other end of Torchwood’s interrogations, scrambles backwards till her back hits a wall.

Owen jumps into action next, spraying Janet in the face with some of his tried and tested Weevil spray before slamming a syringe full of sedative through the boiler suit this particular Weevil has donned for good measure. A few moments later, the roars and groans of their alien ‘friend’ are silenced and replaced only by the laboured breaths of the team as Janet sinks to the ground.

“Christ…” Gwen says first as she lets her head fall back against the cold, exposed brick. “Alright,” She breathes. “Put her back in with the others.” She finishes with a limp hand, gesturing towards the door.

“That won’t work.” Tosh says, a little nervously through their earpieces. She’s the only one far away enough that they can’t hear her without.

“Why not?” Jack asks as Ianto puts out a hand to help Gwen to her feet. She takes it gratefully, brushing herself down.

“I put us into lockdown.” Tosh explains apologetically, “The entire Hub is sealed until tomorrow morning. I was trying to code it quickly but I only had a few seconds. I couldn’t separate the door from the rest of the system in time.” She says. “Sorry...”

The boys look between themselves, coming up with very few ideas of what they could possibly do next.

“So...” Owen sighs. “We’re trapped in the Hub, with a Weevil on the wrong side of the cells and we can’t even order a pizza.” The medic looks between the team, his hands on his hips and an unimpressed expression that rivals even his usual best stuck to his face. “Marvellous.”

* * *

The lights in the Hub have dimmed from their usual brightness as night draws in. They realised pretty quickly that some sort of workplace sleepover was going to have to occur that night and now; the team relaxes in various positions around their usual work desks among the blankets and pillows that Jack has managed to locate from around the Hub. The couch had been transformed into something that resembles a bed and quickly claimed for the night by Gwen. Another temporary sleeping arrangement had been created by dragging the army cot mattress from Jack’s bunk up to the main level of the Hub once they realised the lockdown measures didn’t seem to apply to trap door down to their captain’s quarters.

Owen and Ianto had _not_ had fun retrieving it, and Jack wasn’t thrilled about not being able to spend the night in his usual place, however they all agreed that Tosh should at least have something comfortable to sleep on.

 _“Ladies first, or whatever it is.”_ Owen had mumbled beneath his breath.

The three boys then got to take their pick of anywhere on the floor that they chose. Owen picked as far away as he could get which was beneath his desk, Ianto picked somewhere quite sensible in the middle of the floor and Jack… well, Jack had simply picked wherever happened to be two centimetres away from Ianto Jones.

And that left Janet the Weevil, idly snoozing by the door to Jack’s office as though this entire predicament hadn’t been caused by her ambition to escape in the first place. Since, lockdown had begun, five hours ago, Janet had luckily only woken up once. A quick burst of sedative into her blood stream once again had knocked her out cold and Owen figures he can easily keep on top of it until morning.

“She sort of looks like a cat.” Tosh says softly from where she lay beneath her blankets.

“A cat?” Gwen echoes, propping herself up on her elbow from the couch to squint at their Weevil in the darkness. While the Hub was not pitch black, it was certainly dark enough to struggle seeing the distance.

“Peaceful, I mean.” Tosh explains herself a little better. “Like you could pet her.”

“To be fair, if you tried to stroke her belly she probably would have your arm off like a cat.” Owen says, staring up at the underneath of his desk. It sort of resembled a school table with the amount of gum stuck beneath it. This was quite the wake-up call to stop that habit. “I dare you.” He smirks.

“Alright, sleep time, kids!” Jack calls through the darkness when he hears Tosh begin to push her blankets off herself. He didn’t fancy trying to surgically reattach Tosh’s arm at eleven in the evening if Janet picked that unfortunate moment to reawaken.

A myriad of sighs and shuffling echo around the Hub as the team tries to get comfy for the night with a Weevil loose, only metres away and the constant beeping of the Rift Monitor interrupting the silence.

Jack sleeps, as he always does, on his back and moments later he finds Ianto’s head searching out his chest in the dark. He can’t help the slightly smug smile that creeps over his features that Ianto feels comfortable enough to sleep as they usually do even with their team in close quarters. He lets his fingers rest in his Welshman’s hair. The two of them will have no trouble sleeping among the noises and the atmosphere of their workplace – it’s the usual resting place for them every night.

Though the Weevil was a new touch. And one he could probably do without.

“Good night.”

“Night.”

“Night.”  
  
“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

And silence falls, the best it can, across the Hub.

“Is Myfanwy in?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“Would she eat us in the night?”

“Do you look like a goat, Gwen?”

“No, but I’m meaty, aren’t I?”

“Gwen, you’re worried about Myfanwy who historically hasn’t tried to eat one of us since she came here… but you’re fine sleeping next to the Weevil who tried to eat you earlier today?”

“No, I’m worried about that too. I was just thinking about Myfanwy.”

“I’ll fend her off.”

“Thanks, Ianto.”

“Now go to sleep.”

“Alright.”

“Good night.”  
  
“Night.”

“We’re not doing this again.”

And once again the silence falls, the best it can, across the Hub.

“Okay but what if—”

“Gwen, go to sleep!” Owen says grumpily as she disturbs the silence one again like the twelve-year-old that won’t go to bed at the birthday sleepover.

“I can’t!” Gwen complains with a soft whine.

“Well, if you don’t. I’m going to sedate you like I sedated Janet. So, shut up.” Owen finishes before rolling onto his side.

“I could tell a story?” Jack suggests softly from the darkness.

“We’re adults… I don’t think we need—”

“A story could be nice.” Tosh pipes up from her bed and that decided that as the others fall quiet in waiting.

“Once upon a time,” Jack begins as though telling a fairy tale. Owen audibly groans in the background. “There was a squid.”

Jack pauses for dramatic effect, letting the beginning of his tale wash over his captive (and captured by some right) audience.

“Is this...?” Gwen murmurs, “A true story?”

“Ianto?” Jack probes. “What do you think?”

“Unfortunately, it may be.” Ianto says, his voice muffled slightly by his placement against Jack’s chest.

“Oi.” Jack says.

He pokes Ianto’s side and earns a soft elbow to the stomach in return. Jack conceals a grunt and carries on with his story.

“There were tales of an alien race, who’s forms took those of an earth-like squid though much bigger than the average one you’d see today. The legends said that they seemed to come with a vengeance against Time Agents, perhaps they had been fouled many years ago by our organisation – I’m not entirely sure. These rumours were just one of many that made their way through the new recruits, who whispered of Agents who gone missing at the hands of this species. Our captains claimed that they were just scare tactics, made up by the older recruits to terrify our youngsters at night for entertainment.”

“I wonder why…” Owen murmurs.

However.” Jack continues as though his audience had not begun to heckle him. “A long, long time ago but also, far, far into your future, sometime in the forty second century, I was on a training mission as Time Agency Cadet. This mission took us out into middle of the oceans of a foreign planet, where we would have to spend the night before returning back to shore by midday. After a long day of experiments, and research and observation, myself and the five cadets that were with me decided to turn in for the night.

We had embarked on our journey among quite a small boat, and beds had to be made for the night on deck. The night was looking nice, not a cloud in the sky so we decided it couldn’t hurt to spend the night among the stars.

We were wrong.”

The group shuffles slightly within their blankets, and though the story made me absurd by nature Ianto, especially, notices that Jack had them waiting with bated breath.

“The sea grew rougher, the waves knocking against the side of the boat and rocking us from side to side. We kept trying to sleep, hoping it would pass but it only continued to worsen. As we hit the most our boat could take without capsizing, our first cadet disappeared. A tentacle snatched him from his covers, dragging him overboard. He screamed as he went, till the waters silenced his cries. Another cadet was taken only moments later and he met the same horrible fate as he was plunged beneath the waters surface. It became a free for all, from then on. There were four of us left, scrambling for safety. I dropped from my makeshift bed and rolled beneath a metal bench, hopefully hidden from our enemies grasp—”

“I’m sorry Jack, are we supposed to believe this—OW!” Owen’s interruption is halted by a pillow hitting his face. It came from Gwen.

“Carry on.” She says, oddly intrigued by the story.

“Eventually the sun rose on still waters, the morning arrived and I crawled out of my hiding spot to see who had survived. I was the only one. Water covered the floor of the boat; my back was soaked and I was freezing cold. Our research had been destroyed in the fight, anything we had gathered simply gone. And so, I took our forlorn vessel back to shore alone.

When I arrived at the dock, I told the story to our captain. He didn’t believe me. Instead he told me there had been a rough storm last night, I must have hit my head among the waves and hallucinated the entire thing. My fellow cadets had simply fallen overboard in the rough seas. However, I was adamant there had not been a drop of rain that night.”

“What did you do then?” Tosh’s voice says softly, in the darkness.

“I was given three days leave on the planet in which to recover before I would take the Time Jump back to the Agency. During this time, I started to wonder if perhaps my captain had been right. Perhaps I had simply hallucinated the fates of my fellow cadets. We had been swapping legends that night before it all happened, it was possible of course that my subconscious had simply brought forward one of these stories.

On my third day of leave I was set to leave the planet. I walked out to the shore and set the co-ordinates on my Time Vortex Manipulator. As he entered the last digit, I saw it out there in the sea. Not one squid, but two squids. Alien squids. Sitting among a transporter in their own right. They disappeared nanoseconds before I made my jump. And since then? I’ve never trusted an alien squid.”

As Jack finishes his story the team stays silent around him. It takes a moment for them to settle before the outbreak of laughter begins around the Hub. Ianto’s shoulders shake against his body in the dark and the others are just as clear as day.

“Alright, alright, you don’t believe me that’s fine.” Jack says with a roll of his eyes. “But will you at least all go to sleep now?” He asks when the laughter begins to subdue.

“Yes.” Gwen giggles slightly, clearly no longer concerned about being eaten by dinosaurs or Weevils in her sleep. Though, Jack could reason, maybe she should be a little worried about squids.

The laughter finally comes to an end, bar the odd stray chuckle as someone remembers the dramatic telling and they all turn to the comfiest position they can muster.

It’s a true story, Jack knows. As wild as it may sound. Though his team didn’t have to believe him. He isn’t sure he would believe himself either, if he heard it afresh.

As he takes a breath and closes his eyes, he feels the arm of Ianto tighten just slightly over his chest.

“Just in case it’s true.” Ianto whispers, directly into ear despite his previous laughter. His nose, presses deep into Jack’s neck as it always does and Jack smiles towards the high ceilings of the Hub.

Well, only one person’s opinion mattered anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you laughed at least once.


End file.
